My Life as a Girl Growing Up with Undiagnosed ADHD
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Who is that girl? She can be a perfectionist, inattentive, unable to sit still or manage her impulses. She can do a million things at once and can make careless mistakes. She can have difficulty concentrating. She can be an excessive talker, poor listener, and can interrupt conversations. She can be anxious and sometimes annoying.
Who is that girl? She’s creative. She thinks “out of the box.” She goes in the back door, side door or basement door if the front entry door is closed to her. She’s tenacious and resilient, “if she falls off the horse, she gets right back on.” She can hyper-focus. She talks with everyone she meets. She’s empathic, kind and has a strong sense of fairness. She’s artistic and loves working with her hands. She’s curious, a risk taker and a natural athlete. She spontaneous and a bundle of energy.
Who is that girl? That girl would be me!
“Heidi is a good student, but she can’t sit still in class,” was what they all said. Every report card in elementary school noted it. I was what they called “A Tom Boy,” much to my mother’s dismay who always envisioned having a “girly, girl.” I preferred “trousers” to dresses, I wasn’t quiet, and I didn’t like playing in the house with toys, especially dolls. I wasn’t particularly interested in school, I preferred climbing trees and building forts in the woods to reading; and pick-up baseball and kickball games with neighborhood boys to dance lessons. Sitting still anywhere was not my strong suit. Church on Sundays was particularly problematic.
By high school, I was in overdrive. I got involved in every school “sport” for girls before Title 9, that is cheerleading (the other was majorette, but I couldn’t concentrate enough to catch the baton), and every activity I could fit in including theater and student government.
Academically, I mostly survived and even took some “honors” classes but never in math, my lifelong nemesis. In my junior year, to my surprise and delight, I won an honorable mention in a statewide writing competition for a short story I had written about a girl who thought she didn’t fit in. My English teacher had submitted it without my knowledge. Maybe she saw something in me that I didn’t.
But I struggled despite the amount of time I put into studying or doing my homework. I never met a standardized multiple-choice question or answer on a test without a “that depends,” or “I need more facts,” while agonizing over my “best answer choice,” before the “pencils down” command was given. I hated those little black answer circles and No.2 pencils. It was too easy to get off track. I knew a lot, but it never seemed to show no matter how much I tried.
Test taking got worse as I climbed up the academic ladder. My SATs and later my LSATs were a disaster. I barely got credit for writing my name. My college and law school counselors were quick to point out that I wasn’t college or law school material based on my test scores. In the testing room, all I could hear was the “tick, tick, tick” of the wall clock despite wearing those pesky orange sound mufflers over my ears that the testing service distributed to test takers. With the advent of computers, game over. All I could hear was the “click, click, click” of a room full of computer keys. So much for concentrating.
Looking back, I realize that I was able to navigate my life’s journey and the challenges I faced along the way with the gifts my ADHD gave to me, including creativity, tenacity, and out of the box thinking. ADHD is not a disorder or a deficit, its symptoms are features or distinctions, differences, that is attention differences and hyperactivity differences, that beg the question, “what is normal?” For me, it all boils down to that. Once I acknowledged my differences and used them to my advantage rather than hide from them, and with the support and encouragement I was lucky enough to find along the way, even during my most challenging moments, I now realize that my life with ADHD helped me to move mountains.
ADHD: MY FRIEND OR MY FOE
I was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, when I was in my 60ties. ADHD is defined as “a neurological disorder characterized by a persistent pattern of inattention – with or without hyperactivity and impulsivity – that interferes with daily functioning.”
Until recently, ADHD was thought to be a childhood disorder affecting only boys. But today, the focus has broadened; girls, adult women and men, and seniors are being diagnosed with ADHD although still not as rigorously as boys. The underlying causes of it are still unknown. Scientists point to a strong genetic link and believe that environmental factors may also be at play. In girls and women, hormones are believed to affect their ADHD symptoms complicating everything.
So why are boys more diagnosed with ADHD than others? The jury’s still out but Rebecca Joy Stanborough writes in “Why ADHD is Underdiagnosed in Women – and What We Can Do About It,” (November 18, 2021), that “girls and women display more symptoms of anxiety and are treated for anxiety or depression without evaluating for ADHD.” She writes that, as a result, many girls (and women) with undiagnosed ADHD grow up thinking they’re “spacey,” “way too talkative,” and “disorganized.” In my case and before I was diagnosed with ADHD, I grew up believing that I was “stupid.” “Way too talkative” was a close second.
My dad, and my biggest fan, always told me to “reach for the stars but keep one toe on the ground.” Looking back, it explains a lot. I was different, I thought differently, but once I recognized and accepted it, nothing stopped me.
So, with determination and tenacity, I learned to take the “road less traveled” to get where I wanted to go. ADHD allowed me to do that. It was my gift, it helped make me, me. And helped me keep “going and going and going” to be what I wanted to be despite people telling me to slow down or to sit still. Truthfully, it took more of my energy to do either then to just go with my flow.
And “go with my flow,” I did. I married and raised two wonderful sons who with their wives gave me four great grandkids. I got an Associate Arts degree in Liberal Arts, a Bachelor of Arts degree in Government, a J.D., Juris Doctorate (law) degree, and a MArch, a Master of Architecture degree (architecture). I practiced law in Washington, D.C., was an Adjunct Professor of Architecture at an Historically Black University (HBU) in Texas, and I owned and operated an architecture and construction company affectionally known as “The Odd Group” for over 25 years. I’ve worked with incredible people and made many friends along the way.
I also learned a lot about me. I no longer feel “stupid” except occasionally when “my critic” rears her ugly head. Given my ADHD, and as I age, I’m trying to be more mindful, to slow down a bit, and not do too many things at once. My family and friends give me a 50-50 chance of that!
Best of all though, at 74 years old, I’ve found another passion, writing children’s chapter books about my beloved dog, Maddie, my Italian Spinone, on her journey from puppy to adult. I suspect my ADHD had something to do with that too.